My reading of Meg Meeker’s Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters stalled, but I’m picking it back up. My posting on it just flat died, so I’m going to try to catch up.
Chapter 2 – She needs a hero.
What does a hero do? A hero has strong convictions. Unwavering convictions. A hero stands firm. A hero will step in, even when it’s uncomfortable, unpopular or even dangerous. A hero puts others’ needs before their own.
Firemen. Paramedics. Soldiers. Doctors. Knights. Things every kids wants to be at some point. Why? They’re all heroes and we want to be the hero.
Meg points out “I have news for you. Your daughter wants a hero – and she has chosen you. (pg. 29)” I don’t know about the rest of you Dads, but that puts a lump in my throat.
One of the powerful things about the way this book is written is how Dr. Meeker intertwines her words with examples from her practice and experience that back them up. This chapter includes several stories of men who were heroes to their girls and how it strengthened them, and one of a man who failed to rush to his daughter’s side and how it devastated her.
Your daughter needs and wants you to lead. Lead with determination, conviction and authority. She gets security from your authority. You’re big, strong, tough and she leans on that. Dr. Meeker says:

The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by loosing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will – and that’s when the trouble starts. Don’t let that happen. (pg. 30)

She may test you, push back, challenging your authority.

… remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad? Are you strong enough to handle me? (pg. 32)

At every stage of life, she’s going to be looking to you for guidance. Tell her what you believe, don’t be afraid to jump in with your opinions. This seems obvious to me, that’s what parents are to do. But I can find myself getting shy about forcing my way on her. Is it really the right thing to do? Yep, absolutely says Dr. Meeker. She needs to find her way, yes, but my experience and wisdom need to light the path as she does. Otherwise, she’ll be groping in the dark and who knows what she might find. I need to act with authority.

Dad, that’s what your daughter wants from you. Your daughter doesn’t have to like your mannerisms, your rules, your clothes or your political views, but you never what to loose her respect. And you won’t if you live your moral beliefs and act with authority. If you d that, you’ll be a hero in her eyes. (pg. 39)

One of the toughest things about this, is keeping at it. We get tired and our girls are relentless. I know that I wear down quickly when the choruses of “Please! Pretty, please!” start up. As they get older it can be tempting to let our guard down more, but the dangers are even greater. We have to persevere.

If only you had to fight for her once, twice or even ten times, the process wouldn’t be so tough. But you might have to fight for her two hundred times. You only have eighteen short years before she is on her own. If you don’t show her the high road now, she won’t find it later. Perseverance in setting her on that road isn’t easy. She might appear embarrassed by your interventions. She might sulk. She might even say that she hates you. But you can see what she can’t. You know how sixteen year old boys react when they see her in a halter top. you know how even one beer can make her unsafe to drive. You know a lot more than she does, and however hard it is to persevere in leading her the right way, you have to do it. (pg. 42)

She ends with some tips (pg. 47-48):

1. Make a plan. Your vision for her life will be clearer when she’s younger. Write it down and stick to it.
2. Have courage under fire. You’ll be fired upon from all sides, keep your cool and lead by your convictions.
3. Be the Leader. This is the hardest for me. I’m a softy, but I can see things she can’t. “She’s still a kid. So you lead; don’t let her.”
4. Don’t cave, persevere. “Heroes see a battle through to the end, they never run away.”

This seems daunting to me. I’m too soft, I cave too quickly. But Dr. Meeker ends with hope:

This is a tall order, but I have seen enough heroic fathers to know that it’s an order that every good man can fill if he sets himself to it. … You were made a man for a reason. … So listen to your instincts, and do what’s right. Be a hero. (pg. 48)

We just got back from a family camping trip this week. We went to Illinois for Maria’s family reunion. We took the girls bikes so they could run around the campground and not drive us nuts at the campsite. 🙂
Audrey still rode with training wheels, but most of the other kids didn’t. That meant she could keep up as well and felt a little left out. She asked me to take her training wheel off, so I did. I figured that she’d want them back on and sure enough, within the hour she did. It just seemed too hard. So back on they went.
The next day, as evening approached and it was time to go to bed, Audrey came over and we had this conversation:
“Daddy?”
“Yes Audrey.”
“While I’m sleeping tonight can you secretly take my training wheels off?”
(Trying not to snicker) “Why, do you think if you don’t notice they’re gone that you’ll be able to do it?” (Never mind that the bike won’t stand up without them.)
“I know I can do it, Daddy! Please?”
“OK”
So, while she was asleep, the training wheels came off. The next day, she picked up her bike and pushed it over to the campground road. I was sitting watching her between the campers from my lawn chair, ready to go my Daddy duty and run behind the bike to help her if she needed it.
She got on the bike and started riding, disappearing behind her uncle’s pickup truck. Not bad, I though. Then she reappeared on the other side of the truck, still riding! Wow. She disappeared again behind a camper and I went and got the camera. When I got back to the road, she was a couple of hundred yards away, still riding. It was if she had known how to ride all along. That picture was taken as she came riding back. I couldn’t stop laughing about it.
There’s a lesson in there somewhere about acting on faith or determination or confidence or something, but the story alone is good enough for me.

Greg KB alerted me that today is International Lefthanders Day. Never heard of it? Me neither, but it’s been celebrated since 1976, according to Wikipedia:

August 13 is designated International Lefthanders Day by Lefthanders International. It was first observed 13 August 1976. As its name suggests, it is meant to promote awareness of the inconveniences facing left-handers in a predominantly right-handed world.

So, this is for Audrey, my youngest at 8, who’s a lefty and her great grandma Liz who is as well. Happy Lefthanders Day!

The eagle eyed among you may have noticed a slight change in the little paragraph about me in the upper left. The word ‘Deacon’ is now conspicuously absent.

Earlier this month, my wife and I stepped down from the leadership of our family group and I stepped down from my role as Deacon in the church. The primary reason was that we felt that we needed to make our family our primary, and nearly exclusive, ministry right now. Maria noticed it first, it was her maternal instincts that became more and more alarmed at how isolated the 5 of us were becoming. Maria and I had our activities, the girls theirs, and we were operating too much as individuals rather than a family unit. We talked about it and agreed, we had no business leading a ‘family group’ if we didn’t feel good about where our family was. Moreover, at 8, 10 and 12, our girls need our complete attention to get through the challenging years ahead. We need not be distracted by obligations to the church, no matter how honorable or even needed. Of course, if I feel can’t serve as a family group leader, a man made position, how could I stay on as Deacon?

A few weeks ago, I had lunch with Codepoke and he said something that stuck with me. It was his conviction that no man should serve as an elder until his kids were grown and on a good path. The demands of eldership and father hood were each too great. Either the church, or worse, his family or both would suffer as a result. While I was not an elder, I still had responsibilities to my church that drew me away form my family. While certainly not the root of the things brewing in our family, this division of responsibility wasn’t helping. I still had things I wanted to accomplish in both roles, but as we talked things through, Codepoke’s words echoed in my head and really made it clear what needed to be done. Thanks, Kevin.

So, now the real work begins. We’ve made some good decisions and changes already.

• We’ve decided that Sundays, as much as possible, will be family time. Playing games, seeing a movie and just being together.
• We’ll have more time in the Bible as a family. We’ve never been good at family devos, so we’re turning dinner time into a devo. Maria a couple of years ago had a ‘verse of the day’ that she used at breakfast before school. With Jessica going to the bus at 6:45 AM now, that doesn’t work as well so they haven’t been doing it this year. We’ve still got the printouts, so we’re dusting off all those printed verses and using them at dinner time. We go through each verse word by word, dissecting it and learning what it means.
• As many nights as possible, we’ll gather on Mom and Dad’s bed for family prayer time. Everyone gets a turn. That way they get to see how we pray, at least a little. We try to incorporate a theme, or maybe pray to incorporate the verse of the day in our own lives.

It’s a start, but it feels good to make changes, to re-adjust your thinking to God. Metanoia, repentance. There is much more to do. I don’t see myself taking on a leadership position for some time. My girls, and wife, need me now.