You may remember that I wrote about this apology last month:

Though we are supportive of new congregations of dedicated disciples, let me extend a heartfelt apology to the churches in Chicago, Phoenix and Kiev for giving the impression of a “blanket condemnation” that there were no disciples in them or that their congregations “were spiritually dead.” Please forgive me. I know that there are many “sold-out” disciples in these congregations.

Kip McKean, June 11, 2006

I and others were encouraged, but skeptical. Well, the other shoe has dropped with the conclusion of this proclamation:

This past week, Elena and I returned from a missionary trip that included Chicago and Kiev, Ukraine. Praise God at the inaugural service of the Chicago International Christian Church on July 2, with just one week’s work by 29 disciples daily proclaiming Christ, 122 attended their first service! The next day God blessed them with their first baptism! In Kiev, the newly formed Kiev International Christian Church which numbers 30 disciples, likewise had over 100 at their inaugural service in April! Today, at our Rose Garden Service, the Spirit is sending out 14 disciples from Portland to Phoenix, Arizona. Ten months ago four disciples started a new congregation of sold-out disciples in Phoenix. Now they number twenty! Recently they asked for a “Portland trained” evangelist. Matt and Helen Sullivan (and their three kids) will now spearhead the proclamation of Christ to the five million lost souls of Phoenix!
… Soon Chicago, Kiev and Phoenix will be filled with the good news of Jesus! Let all disciples, everywhere regain the faith that whole nations like Chile, in fact all nations, can be filled with the proclamation of Christ in this generation! And to God be the glory!

Kip McKean, July 23, 2006

[Sigh.] I wish I wasn’t surprised. His own words reveal just how heartfelt his apology was as he continues to “[give] the impression of a “blanket condemnation” that there [are] no disciples” in these cites and the ICOC (and other) congregations there.
I don’t know why I feel compelled to write about this again other than my historical connections with Kip and the sadness I feel as the Gospel is twisted into a conquest. Doesn’t really effect me or my church, however.
Thanks to Pinakidion for the info.

It’s been quiet around here lately. Last week, my good friend BEG and his wife and two girls (Yep, that makes 7 women to 2 men in the house. 10 to 2, if you count the cats) came in from Wisconsin for most of the week. It was a week of church talk, Driver 2 on Playstation and a new gate in my fence. Good times.
BEG and I are pretty different in some (tractors vs. hot rods) ways but a lot alike in others. This week we talked about one way which we found ourselves in several times. We called it ‘The TP Issue’, see if you can relate.
I go to the store and the first thing on the list is toilet paper. I go the TP isle and scan the choices. Let’s see, we’ve got Charmin, Northern, the store brand and others in standard, mega and jumbo rolls as well as various size packages with different numbers of rolls. Choices, choices, choices. Well, if the store brand is anything like that stuff at my old employer I certainly don’t want it. Ouch. Hmm, but it is $0.08 cheaper per roll, $0.10 in the bulk pack.
“Excuse me.” I step aside to let a woman get to the shelves. She grabs a package and moves on.
Oh, but look the Charmin rolls have 10% more sheets per roll in than the store brand, and the store brand doesn’t have a jumbo roll. That’s 12% more sheets. So, uh, how does that work our price wise on a sheet by sheet basis? I’ve got a calculator on my Palm Pilot …
“Excuse me.” Another woman steps by, grabs a package and moves on.
OK, so the Charmin is slightly more per sheet, but about the same if I get the bulk pack. Northern is pretty much the same. I think the Charmin looks softer, plus I like those commercials with the bears. Wait, oh I get it, the sheets on the Charmin are only 5″ x 4″ where the store brand has 5″ x 6″ sheets. Well that throws the whole thing off …
Some 20 minutes later I leave the TP isle with my choice. Now, on to shredded cheddar. Hmmm, 3 cups of Kraft vs. 2 cups of …
After I get it home I realize that the jumbo rolls I bought don’t fit in my TP holder. Argh. I kick myself for not getting it right.
An exaggeration? Yeah, a little, but you get the point. I’m obsessed with getting it right and it’s just toilet paper. You should have seen us at Home Depot buying gate hardware. T shaped hinges or straight? Zinc plated or black? 6″ or 4″? Right angle or flush? And on and on and on. We looked at each other maybe twice and said “It’s a TP issue.” Yet we still analyzed and thought and thought. It took us 30-45 minutes to pick out a pair of hinges, a latch and a box of screws.
I do the same thing spiritually. My mind races around and around trying to determine if I have the absolutely right take on a particular doctrine. And if I do, what are the implications? If the implications seem wrong, perhaps that means I’ve got the doctrine wrong? Or maybe I don’t understand the implications? What if someone I respect and loves God thinks differently? What does that mean? Who’s right?
I’ve intellectually understood that God is not looking for us to be right but to be righteous, but my nature is to make sure I’ve bought the right toilet paper. I understand in my head that two Godly men can have different opinions and both be right, but part of me still says “OK, sure, but seriously, who’s right?”
It’s all about not wanting to let go of my ways and embrace God’s way. To stay in control and not surrender. It’s the part of me that can’t believe that “God’s grace is sufficient.” I think that grace will be enough as long as I’ve got the rest right. Just a minute God, I’ll relax, let go and accept your grace in a minute, I’ve just got to figure this out …
It’s exhausting and frustrating and I don’t know how to be different. Anyone relate?

While in Cincinnati this weekend we saw some interesting church signs.
One was the big black sign along the freeway that Dan Edelen referred to in this post:

A Church for People Who Don’t Like Church.

Our friends wanted to make sure we noticed that one too. I wonder if it’s really effective at bringing people in that wouldn’t come otherwise.
Better still were two changeable church signs within about a mile of each other. The first was this:

All the world’s a camera, look pleasant please.

Yeah, that was a real sign on a church. I had to ask Maria to repeat it for me (I was concentrating on staying behind our friends). Maybe it was intended as a sarcastic commentary on our culture or perhaps there was more to learn if I had been to the service that Sunday, but what Maria and I both thought immediately was “If you come to church here, please leave your problems at home and smile when you come in.” Things that make you go hmmm …
Just down the road was this sign, which made my laugh:

Sign broken. Come inside for message.

Heh.

A year and half ago, our church’s minister and I seemed worlds apart. We had different philosophies and ideas and were headed in different directions, or at least it seemed.
About 9 months ago we seemed to turn together toward a common direction.
In the past 6 months it has felt like we are now moving on parallel paths.
Wednesday night I felt like he and I were in the exact same place, something I haven’t felt with anyone in a while.
The past few months have been a really challenging time for me. I have seen my sinful heart more clearly than ever before. I’ve seen in me attitudes and behaviors that I either had thought I was done with or I simply did not struggle with. It has felt like God has decided to show me who I really am. I’m reminded of this scripture:

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Hebrews 4:12-13

I feel as though God has cut open my chest, pried open my heart, uncovering my sin and said “I want you to see what’s really in here.” What is there was critical thoughts, judgmental attitudes, pride, condescension, quick judgments and easy anger.
It has hurt to see my true self. A lot. I’ve felt hopeless, powerless to change. It has felt like I’ve been this way since birth and it was inevitable that this is who I would become. This is who I am, I don’t know how to be different. I don’t know how to see myself and others differently. More than that, I can’t imagine that there is a different way to look at things. I have felt completely alone and isolated. I have analyzed it, looking for a solution, then realized how foolish that was, and the tried to analyze the analysis and then just wanted to run and hide. I have thought that perhaps I was insane, maybe I needed counseling? I have found it hard to talk about as well, partly because the feeling and the awareness have defied explanation and partly due to shame and my pride.
Through this time I’ve thought about Paul’s description of the thorn in his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12. I feel as though I finally understand it, I’m convinced that Paul’s thorn is his own sinful heart. Maybe that’s just because it suits me right now, but that’s OK with me. After all, in the preceding chapter he says that he will boast about his weaknesses.
If this is what Paul was dealing with, I can completely understand his begging God to take it away. I have wished that God did not trust me enough to show me my true self. I have longed for the days if blissful ignorance of my own sinful heart, but this Genie will not go back in the bottle. In the end, I know it will be a good thing, but right now it seems unbearable.
So, last night, myself and two other leaders met to talk over some things in the church, things that seemed very important to me a week or two ago. But as we debated & discussed what had happened and what should be done, I suddenly understood that my real issue was with myself. Those things were important and I did care about them, but what I really needed was to fix me and I wasn’t even sure how to talk about it.
After I tried one more time to enunciate what I was feeling, our minister articulated just what I have felt. His being overwhelmed by his own sin, struggling with its reality. And he related how he felt like Paul must have in 2 Corinthians 12.
And it was like someone turned on a light in a dark room. A weight lifted from my shoulders, the weight of feeling alone and isolated. The issues were still there, but I was no longer alone. Going home, I had to smile at how God had brought us together like this. I had prayed some time ago that our relationship would grow, but I couldn’t see how it was to happen. But here we are, at a cross roads, but the two paths are behind us, not ahead.
I truly don’t understand how God works in the world, but He clearly does. He has been active, behind the scenes in our hearts to bring us both to this place. I have much to learn yet in this particular struggle. God’s answer to Paul was “My grace is sufficient for you.” and that absolutely blows my mind right now. No way in my mind, though I know it to be true, that simple grace is enough to cover all that I see in me. If it were me facing that stuff in someone else, I’d require more than grace (which, of course, is a big part of the problem.) Grace is sufficient? Really? That’s going to take me a while, but that’s OK I guess.