I got to go to a wedding to day. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to one. I love weddings. They make me all nestalgic to my wedding 11.5 years ago.
One of my favorite things is when the bride comes through the door. I turn my eyes not to the bride, but to the groom. It’s a special moment. He hasn’t seen the love of his life all day, he’s about to marry her and become more than a ‘boyfriend’ or even fiance, but a lover. She’s spent hours having others make her the most beautiful she can possibly be. The doors open up and this unstoppable, stupid-happy grin blossoms on the groom’s face. You couldn’t remove it with all the botox in the world. That smile is truly priceless. There she is in all her radiance and glory and she is all his. That’s how I felt on my wedding day. I was stunned and overwhelmed at Maria’s beauty (and I still am.) and I couldn’t stop smiling as she walked toward me, her eyes fixed on mine. Watching that smile develop on another man’s face for his bride takes me right back to my wedding day and helps keep me grateful for what I have.
This wedding had a couple of oddities. He is a video game freak, and so is she. He has a Game Cube, and she has an X-Box. In fact ,after the ceremony they walked out to the background music to Super Mario Brothers. They even did a little jump like (I guess ) Mario does. All the other couples standing up with them did it too as they exited. They both love the Lord of The Rings and when he put the ring on her finger he muttered “My precious …” in his perfect Gollum voice (which he does very well).
They’ve dated on and off for 9 years, someof that before they bcame Christian and some after. They are one of those couples that everyone but them (or more specifically, him) knew that they should be together.
Conragts, guys.

This has been rattling around in my head for some time. Two fisted blogger Jared (Mysterium Tremendum and Thinklings) has a great post entitled “An Open Letter to Fathers of Sons” inspired by a gut wrenchingly honest post at Emerging Sideways called daddy’s girl – an open letter to fathers of daughters. Although the subject matter is a bit different, they inspired me to put this down on paper, so to speak.
I am a father of three girls, 5, 7 and 9 years old. They are rapidly, far too rapidly, moving toward adulthood and facing the world and all its madness. My biggest goal as a Dad is to prepare them for that eventuality. Get them ready to face anything. Equip them, not with the answers, but with the tools to be able to find the answers.
The purpose of this post, however, is not to address the entire range of what it means to raise a girl. No, it’s to Dad’s and to a specific role that Dad’s need to play that I think many Dad’s don’t see as their business – how their girls dress. Now I’ve probably gotten the Moms’ (and maybe a few daughters) attentions. What does he know about fashion? Trust me, I understand that he knows nothing of fashion. I’ll respectfully ask the Mom’s to be quiet for a minute and let me finish. I’ll have some insight for you later.
I am not asking Dad to become the host of TLC’s ‘What Not To Wear’, but it’s time that Dad’s spoke up about your daughter’s wardrobe. You see, Dad, you know something that Mom can have no knowledge of – how guys think. God in his wisdom had made men and women differently. More that just differences in anatomy, there are fundamental differences in how we think, especially in regards to sex. Guys are aroused in ways that are foreign to women, primarily by sight. Why do you think there are hundreds of ‘girly’ mags and web sites, but only a few devoted to images of guys? (No, I have not done any real research here, only some casual observations.) Why is hubby always trying to steal a glimpse of Mom in the shower or while dressing? Those images do something for guys that they don’t for women.
So, Dad, you know what will be going through the mind of the young men that will see your girl as she goes out dressed like that. You know that the spiritual young man will me counting the flowers on the wall paper and trying his best not to look at her (which she might interpret as a lack of interest, uncaring and insensitive) so that he can ‘take captive every thought’ and avoid the sin of lust. You also know that the unspiritual young man will look at her, all of her, (which she might interpret as interest and care) letting his mind roam free. It’s up to you to communicate that to your daughter and put your foot down on the tight t-shirts, bare midriffs, hip huggers, too short shorts and the like. To her it makes her cute and attractive, absolutely innocent things in her world. To the boys around her, she’s the immediate object of lust, fantasy and desire.
While I applaud and completely agree with Jared’s admonition to Fathers of boys to teach their boys to treat girls with respect and to ‘try to raise your sons not to go around looking for opportunities to satisfy their lustful appetites’, the fact of the matter is that many, many boys will grow up without such instruction and our girls will be surrounded with them. And the fact remains; even boys so trained have a ‘lustful appetite’. What service do we do them by sending our girls out clad to make resisting it more difficult?
I said I’d have something for the Mom’s and here it is: Listen to your man when he says that perhaps Suzie shouldn’t wear that outfit. I suspect that many women poo-poo such input thinking that they know nothing about fashion, that’s a Mom’s business. (And for the same reasons I think that Dads are too hesitant to speak up, but I’ve covered that.) Mom, you need to remember where Dad’s coming from when he does speak up and respect it. You may be tempted to say something like “Well, boys just shouldn’t be that way.” Horse hockey. Not that boys shouldn’t resist temptation, but that part of this is how we’re wired. God has made us to be aroused simply by the sight of you ladies and no finger wagging and admonition to boys is going to change that.
I was once told a story of a minister’s wife who did not heed her husband’s caution about her own dress (perhaps that caution was not strong enough). One day, a man made her a less than pure offer to get together. Shocked, she asked why he would think that the wife of the preacher would be interested in such a thing? His reply was something along the lines of “Well, the way you dress I figured you were looking for something.” She said that that radically changed her view of her wardrobe.
Dads, our role is to prepare these precious little girls to enter the world. One of the biggest things we can do to help them is to give them a little insight into who those boys around them are and what they’re thinking.

There’s a small ongoing debate in the comments of this entry over at Virusdoc about spanking. He asked for help determining the right or wrong of spanking. My take on his post is that he’s against spanking, but his little boy is pushing he and his wife to the brink (and over recently). Adding to an already difficult situation, his in-laws have been pressuring them to spank him. It seems that other methods aren’t working, but spanking does not seem to be right.
Serious abuse is obvious. Out of control parents, sometimes intoxicated, repeatedly beating kids for minor trespasses for extended lengths of time. These are obvious cases. But many against spanking would say that there is no ‘obvious case’ that is just spanking, not abuse. I think there is.
Coincidentally, I heard a segment on NPR’s Tavis Smiley show on spanking on June 16th (listen: Windows Media or Real Player). My wife also got a book from the library recently called “I refuse to raise a brat” which is profoundly against spanking, so spanking has been on my mind. In the book they cite situations of kids being slapped across the face and being hit in public as examples of why spanking is bad. To my thinking, this is at best poor practice of spanking, but really closer to abuse. So what is the difference between abuse and spanking?
The pediatrician, Dr. Den Trumbull, that was on Tavis Simley’s show I think spoke very eloquently on the distinction. He speaks of ‘proactive not reactive’ spanking. Often, when we see spanking, it is a reaction to behavior, a parent pushed over the edge. It’s the arm grab, yank and multiple swats of the disobedient child in the grocery store, often accompanied by shouting. This is not proper spanking, and it’s no wonder that people get up in arms when they see this kind of behavior.
Dr. Trumbull offers these guidelines, which pretty closely match our practice in our home:

1. Spanking should be used selectively for clear, deliberate misbehavior, particularly that which arises from a child’s persistent defiance of a parent’s instruction. It should be used only when the child receives at least as much encouragement and praise for good behavior as correction for problem behavior.
2. Milder forms of discipline, such as verbal correction, time-out, and logical consequences, should be used initially, followed by spanking when noncompliance persists. Spanking has shown to be an effective method of enforcing time-out with the child who refuses to comply.
3. Only a parent (or in exceptional situations, someone else who has an intimate relationship of authority with the child) should administer a spanking.
4. Spanking should not be administered on impulse or when a parent is out of control. A spanking should always be motivated by love for the purpose of teaching and correcting, never for revenge.
5. Spanking is inappropriate before 15 months of age and is usually not necessary until after 18 months. It should be less necessary after 6 years, and rarely, if ever, used after 10 years of age.
6. After 10 months of age, one slap to the hand of a stubborn crawler or toddler may be necessary to stop serious misbehavior when distraction and removal have failed. This is particularly the case when the forbidden object is immovable and dangerous, such as a hot oven door or an electrical outlet.
7. Spanking should always be a planned action, not a reaction, by the parent and should follow a deliberate procedure.

• The child should be forewarned of the spanking consequence for
  designated problem behaviors.


• Spanking should always be administered in private (bedroom or
  restroom) to avoid public humiliation or embarrassment.


• One or two spanks should be administered to the buttocks. This
  is followed by embracing the child and calmly reviewing the
  offense and the desired behavior in an effort to reestablish a
  warm relationship.

8. Spanking should leave only transient redness of the skin and should never cause physical injury.
9. If properly administered spankings are ineffective, other appropriate disciplinary responses should be tried, or the parent should seek professional help. Parents should never increase the intensity of spankings.

This list is taken from a well documented article that analyzes the available research on spanking and the common arguments against it. (The article is part of the web page of Paul Poelstra, Ph.D. of Biola University, found by Google search. His web page has other links to spanking resources.)
In my home, our girls are warned that a spanking is to come if they persist in what they’re doing. If a spanking is necessary, we sit down and talk about it first. We make sure they understand what they’ve done and why they are getting spanked. Immediately after the spanking, we hold them and reassure them. We then ask for an apology, and follow it with an assurance of forgiveness. Then all is forgotten and it’s on with life.
I think spanking has a place in the home. I think that most kids would benefit from the proper use of spanking, similar to the guidelines outlined above. However, I would also say that no parent who’s conscience is violated by spanking their child should be pressured into doing so. The scriptures talk of the benefits of physical discipline of children (Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:13) but they also say that anything that is done outside of faith is sin (Romans 14). Do your homework, and then let your conscience be your guide, whether to spank or not to spank.

I was on the way home tonight fom my Singing Buckeyes rehersal, so I was in a musical mood. On the radio on the way home was Switchfoot’s Meant to Live:

Fumbling his confidence
And wond’ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside

Frankly, I wasn’t necessarily imnpressed with the song, but the theme moved me. I suddenly wanted to live again. I’m tired of this deep longing I’ve felt, concern for my church. Not that there shouldn’t be concern, but I just want to feel the joy of my salvation again like it was brand new. There’s enough suffering to worry about and time to worry about it. It’s time for me to just plain relish the life that God has granted me. Life to the full, not partial or empty, but full. There’s much to rejoice about and It’s time that I started again.
A song or two later came 100 years by 5 for Fighting (what kind of band name is that?):

I’m 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I’m 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we’re on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I’m 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I’m a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I’m 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I’m heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I’m all right with you
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We’re moving on…
I’m 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there’s still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day’s a new day…
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

It was one of those moments where the stars align, or at least the songs on the radio, and suddenly things are in perpective. Life is short, too short to spend it frowning and serious. There are three goofy, fun loving little girls in my life, an awsome woman whom I don’t deserve to even talk with let alone sleep in the same bed with and a host of friends, good friends. My God has been good to me. What’s to be sad about?
I know the morning will dilute those feelings and the realities of life will set in, but I hope I can stay at least a little closer to that new perspective on things.